the gushy one where I talk about stuff and things

Sometimes I can't help but be amazed at what God has done in my life over the course of a year.

Last year this time I had just moved out to Northern California. No job, no place of my own, no family (except the amazing and truly wonderful friends God has so graciously placed in my life). I packed up my tiny Mazda with all my earthly possessions. Said farewell to Connecticut and drove across country with my wonderful, amazing, precious mom.

God provided not one, but two, amazing jobs. I was given an amazing church. I lost a car. Gained another. Got my first apartment. Gained amazing, lifelong friendships. Lost two to the grave (But praise Jesus for heaven- right?!?). My growth with the Lord has been astronomical.

Then, just because God is a gracious and wonderful loving Father who loves to give good gifts, he plopped the most amazing and godly man right into the middle of my crazy blessed life.

Brothers and Sisters who I dearly cherish, don't ever think that God doesn't hear your hearts. He does. And sometimes, as Benjamin has reminded me, we need to thank God for the "unanswered prayers."

We need to thank God even when life seems to have no meaning or purpose. We need to thank God even when life throws us some weird and random curve ball. In the moments of sheer exhaustion and depression and need and heartbreak, we need to thank God.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to myself when I first arrived at the Jackson's doorstep, exhausted, excited, ready for whatever was coming next.

I wish I could tell myself just three words: "God is faithful."

The truth is, and I wish it wasn't the truth, I doubted.

I doubted that God really understood what I was asking for when I prayed my heart out into the wee hours of the morning. I doubted that He had a very distinct and clearly mapped out plan for my life. I doubted that I was not expected to make anything happen and that all I needed to do was trust Him.

Oh how I wish I had more faith. I wish I could just shake myself and say, "GET A GRIP!"

Look, see what love God has lavished upon us in Christ and in Salvation! Look!!!

One of my favorite hymns goes, "I need You, Lord, I need You, Every hour I need You."

We need to understand dear ones, that we have need of Him. And it is precious. Just as a child comes to a parent, so we come to our heavenly Father. It is in this need that God delights to give the desires of our hearts. He absolutely relishes in our need of Him.

Do realize too that I'm saying need, not want. God always gives what we need. Often times our wants are so different, not necessarily in opposition, but still so very different from what God will give to us.

Sometimes, as my pastor's wife has reminded me time and time again, He's just not finished with us yet.

We can only live in the present. We are weak and frail. Lord help us. We are so tempted and tried and tossed to and fro.

But God is so merciful. He forgives our weakness and bids us to come: "Come to the cross where I gave you everything you could ever need. Come and rest in the palm of my hand. I will carry you through this one precious and dear life."

And He will.

I promise you.

Your time is not your time

It's the weekend....aaaanndddd today I've been procrastinating majorly. I woke up just before 6. (Holla at my early work schedule!) :)

So you'd think I would be this productive person. But no. All I could manage was a cup of coffee, a Friend's marathon, and Facebook.

It was as I looked over my "to-do" list that I hastily scribbled down last night on a post-it, that I realized something: how do I include God in my day?

I don't mean this in some kind of ethereal, mumbo-jumbo, over-spiritualize- everything sort of way.

I mean. How often am I in prayer for the hurting or lost. Yes, I easily offer up a quick prayer that the light will turn green on time...but how often do I really take the time to pour out my heart to my Father?

I'm much quicker to turn to social media than I am to His word. Much quicker to complain to a coworker than I am to cry out to Jehovah. The excuse being, I only have the time to do "blah blah blah."

Time is really just a weird concept if you break it down. Isn't it? Time is something we can't retrieve. We can't make more of. Time is just beyond us.

Yet God gives us time as a gift.

Those of us who are still young, by God's grace and provision, have been given lots of time.

It may not feel like it. Life can be so busy sometimes. But trust me, God has given us all we need for life and godliness...He has given you all the time you need.

I've been mulling over this concept the whole week because, well, Monday was rough. And when you start off your week on a rough note, it just seems like everything spirals...  Not only did I work a long shift, I was feeling tired. I was feeling worn out. I found myself wishing I was the goddess of time. I wished I could add a few more hours of sleep and a few less hours of work (How about no hours of work, TBH).

But the truth is, this sort of thinking is idolatry at the core. We are absolutely NOT the masters of our time. God is in it and through it and everywhere in time.

In fact, we don't have control over a minute, over a second, over a milli, milli, milli, micro second.

This year I've seen a lot of death and dying. As I get older, I'll only see more. And you know what? I'm thankful. Death is God's reminder to us that planet earth is just one tiny, tiny stop along eternity's journey.

I'm resolved to stop having a case of the "Mondays." Our weary-nesses in this world are so petty when compared to the broad scope of eternity.

I'm resolved to stop thinking of time as my enemy or as mine at all. God gives us time as a blessing and a gift. He gives it to us just as He gives us every good thing.

I'm resolved to use the time I have been given in a wise way. Using it to honor my Creator.

God loves to give His children good gifts. He gives us time to enjoy all these blessings. So basically, it's like a blessing-wrapped blessing.

sexy mayonnaise and learning to live on your own

Well, I am officially breaking this drought on the blog with a new post. Coming straight to you from my new apartment!

It's actually so surreal to call something mine that seems so significant and huge. A place of my own. Those of you who are home owners or renters may remember the stew pot of emotions that come with getting your own place.

Most of them are happy. Some of them are sad.

Happy because - FREEDOM!!! I have probably burped after every meal in my new place just because no one is here to get grossed out.

Sad because spending your paycheck on dish washing soap and measuring tapes and mayonnaise instead of reclaimed barnwood coffee tables and cute knick knacks is so not sexy.

One thing that's been a constant little thought in my head is just how differently I pictured this season of life.

The first morning in my apartment was also my 26th birthday. 26. Wow. How did I get to 26? It sounds so old.

I know. I know. It's not actually old.

But I feel like I'm still just a teenager trying to figure out eyeshadow and now I'm here in my own apartment trying to figure out what shade of teal looks good on bath towels (It's the warmer, darker one btw).

By 26 I pictured myself married with at least 1, maybe 2, kids.

Although part of me craved the freedom of being independent, I also wanted the domestic life.

It's a strange thing to say in this day and age. But I seriously wanted a family by 25, the same age my mom was when she got married. And yet here I am.

And would you believe me if I told you...I'm actually still breathing. No breaths have been held by this ginger. Life isn't something you passively allow to happen to you. No! You take every moment captive.

At this moment, I'm trying to decide on colors and home decor and how to paint a hideous dresser I found for free on the side of the road.

These moments are beautiful.

I'm learning how to live with myself, strange as that may sound. Do you ever just sit and let your mind breathe? It's like unraveling a ball of yarn one little pull at a time. It's learning about yourself.

Some people are really good at being alone. I'm not.

I'm always planning the next social event or the next human interaction when all I really need is a little space.

Being alone is good for an extrovert, believe it or not. It takes away the false securities found in human relationships and places them squarely at the feet of our beautiful heavenly Father.

The conversations we have now are so much deeper. In the absence of running down the hall to tell someone the next dramatic thing that happened in Kate's life, I pray.

Isn't that how life should be lived? I can think of nothing sweeter than constant, sweet communion with the Lord of all creation.

He blessed me with this precious home. Amidst all the financial concerns and busy projects, I find a solace in His arms.

AWKWARD TRANSITION FROM SORT OF LONG RANT

Here are a few things I've learned that can really help when you move out on your own...

1. Don't stress about buying everything all at once. You need literally over a hundred million items (I did the math.) when you get your first place. Don't be like me and get freaked out over the amount of money you'll need to spend. You really don't NEED much. Ask someone who's not homeless what they would suggest.
2. Do the dollar store. Okay, I felt totally weird going into Dollar Tree and buying actual home stuff but DUDE. They have some seriously cute stuff. Like the plate here. Plus, a four pack of TP is a buck. Just sayin'.
3.  Unpacking slowwwwlllyyy is okay too. I don't know if you're like
   me but I like to get unpacking done and over with. I'm starting to see
   that when you just don't know yet where things go, it's okay to leave it
   out. Just figure out what works for you. This is YOUR home. No one will
   ever know that you're keeping the laundry in the bathtub for now. 
4. Have people over when you're feeling uninspired. Sometimes when it's just you looking at
   your place and you've looked at so many times that you're eyes are
   crossed, you need a fresh pair of eyes. Have someone over who shares
   your style. Ask them what they think. You don't have to go with every suggestion. It's just nice to get it. And to show off your new shower curtain too.
5. Take breaks to enjoy your new space. The other day I grabbed all the blankets and pillows I own, placed them in the center of my living room and watched a movie on my laptop. I was surrounded by boxes and to do lists but since I spent the better part of the day at work and then running errands, a nice little break before bed was perfect. I felt less overwhelmed and a ton better about getting more unpacking done. In the words of Tom Haverford, "Treat yo self."
6. Cheap food. Okay, by cheap I don't mean unhealthy. There are so so so many cheap foods out there guys. Cheap proteins like tuna, canned chicken, peanut butter, and beans will get you through many a tight wallet. Add these to pasta, rice, bread and frozen veggies and DUDE you're golden.

Mundane parts of life are important too

I was talking with my best friend yesterday about motherhood. She's been married almost three years and has a young child. I love her dearly and have appreciated being part of her growing family.

You would think at some point the conversations would reach an awkward halt as the "stage of life" conversations come up, the ones where we discuss our dreams for the future and what our personal struggles are. Instead, I find myself fascinated with her ponderings, her concerns, her struggles, her battles.

Yes, motherhood is an entirely different station in life than the one I'm currently living. I currently get 8 hours of sleep a night. I don't share my time with a tiny human who needs constant food and attention and diaper changes. I realize our lives are very different in a lot of ways.

Dear person who thought I was too young to be married

Dear person who thought I was too young to be married,

I can see from your wedding band and your age (which is higher than mine) that you have a few things in life that I don't. You've gained experience. You've gained time.

You have children. Multiple children from multiple relationships. A very, well, complex situation to be sure.

I know from past conversations you were married once before and that it didn't really work out. I think your current partner is in the same boat. I know that there are many around me who are treading the treacherous waters of broken marriages and trust and homes. So I can sort of understand that when I mentioned my desire to get married and start having kids in my twenties you told me to wait another ten years. Wait until I'm 35 to think about marriage. Even think.