I think it's been awhile since I've been able to honestly say that. For those of you who are reading this. You may or may not have seen my facebook status a few days ago. Here's what it said:
I feel like I've been lying to people.
When they ask me how I'm doing I've been saying good or fine (which to a certain extent is very truthful because I am way way better than I deserve) but the truth is...I haven't been...I've been so drained- physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually- these past three weeks. Homework hit me so stinkin hard and seems to have taken with it my joy for the Lord and, with it, my love for others. In an attempt to win back that affection, my first love, I've been doing what good Christians do...reading my Bible, praying, posting song lyrics on facebook. Which I'm not railing on- but I'm just starting to think that I need to give up and just cling to the cross.
That was just this past Tuesday. I had just finished (and probably bombed) test # 6 out of 7 these past couple weeks and was experiencing tiredness in a whole new way. Like I said in my status- not just one type of exhaustion but a stew of shear numbness. The question was never whether I would live to see winter break or just die in my dorm room. Nope.
I was just tired of feeling like I was doing homework/relationships/spiritual life on my own and that I would never ever feel that pure, unadulterated joy like I had before. I had experienced the most amazing experience- was the dream dying out??? Please Lord, no!
Of course, I know that I never truly am outside of experiencing the Lord's grace in my life. But let's just stop and talk about the idea "I'm so tired of....blah blah blah."
You know what you're really saying when you're tired of something? You're saying that God isn't working according to your train schedule. The arrivals and departures of trials aren't going like you planned.
"God, I feel like this trial just won't end. Make it stop!"
Those were, I'm embarrassed to say, the majority of my prayers. I can handle short bursts of hardships pretty well. I have these coping mechanisms that keep me pretty calm when crisis hits. Someone breaks a leg, I'm not usually the first one to run around screaming and grabbing people. That is one thing I will pat myself on the back for- to the best of my knowledge- when emergencies happen I'm not a freaker-outer (at least externally). I can do short term.
The long term stuff is what, I've come to learn, I'm horrible at handling. It's when one thing gets piled on top of the next and then the busy gets busier and then life starts throwing lemons at your face....oh no! MAKE IT STOP!!!
I'm not worried about my path going somewhere other than heaven. Positionally- I am secure. And so is every believer.
But the one thing that should make me ashamed and cry out to Jesus is when I look at a map made by my own hands, shove it in God's face and say, "LOOK! I made a much better way- follow MY PATH. Follow what I have decided. Follow MY expectations. See here! I have made a much better path than the one You have made."
But you know what? God works in us best, when we trust in ourselves least.
And for me- I trust myself least when I'm going through the (seemingly) never-ending trial.
So- lemme just say- to clarify. That my trial doesn't appear to be over. But I have gained some perspective- which I just wrote about above! I am still struggling to find a balance and there are so many, many aspects of this beautiful and most growing experience that I would, if I may, encourage the reader to do two things as a response:
1.) Ask me how I'm doing- not here on the blog- in person or on the phone...please. I need that sort of accountability and I really want the opportunity to ask you how you are doing. And don't lie. don't lie to me, yourself, or God. (He's not fooled anyway). Say how you are REALLY TRULY doing. I mean it doesn't have to be specific. But don't do what I did. Learn from my poor example.
2.) Whatever trials may be piercing your heart- and tempting you to believe that God is less than the ultimate good- know that our wonderful, merciful Father loves the broken-hearted. He will not despise. He knows you and I. It makes me laugh that we even try to hide our sins from Him. Cling to the cross. Cling. Cling. Cling.
...in conclusion...
Today was a good day. Today wasn't full of surprises or life events. Today wasn't historical or monumental. But walking each day as a child, in simple faith finding our Savior fairer and lovelier than "all the angels heaven can boast," well that makes everyday a good day.
