Hiatus

So I have a confession. I think everyone knows it.

I haven't written in a very, very, very long time. It's not that I haven't wanted to put the metaphorical pen to paper...I'm just so bad at balancing a very tiring job with doing anything remotely creative.

Excuses, excuses. I know.

But this week I've been feeling more creative. I've been feeling a sense of purpose, so to speak. Experiencing near-death(?) stuff will do that. It will put a little bit of bounce in your step, a song in your heart, a something in your something...never mind. I'm just going to go stream of conscience on ya.

The truth is...I'm stressed. There's so much going on in life it just seems like a torrent of "Okay, well that just happened...now what????"

But I'm also happy. I don't feel the stress in the same way I used to feel it. It's like that feeling before you start drowning but you're just happy to be above the surface of the water and not actually sucking it in.

I'm not really bad off. I'm not. I'm doing well. It is definitely well with my soul. Life's troubles are a strange medicine against not trusting God. He's my everything these days. He's my mainstay. It's not from any particular emotion that I'm writing those words down. That's just the reality.

I used to think that those people who had Job-esque lives and yet pressed on somehow were, well, a little delusional maybe- that maybe they would gulp and say, "Okay...it's not that bad....yeah....not that bad....I can do this...yeah...."

Maybe they just didn't want to grasp reality and maybe they were grasping at straws of fake optimism. Maybe.

But I can say that there is a weird way to both grasp the reality of a bad situation and simultaneously say, "This is for my good."

It's sort of beyond my realm of communicating to explain and most miraculous things are.

But God promises it...so why should I have been so surprised? He talks about a peace that cannot be understood....it's quite literally beyond human comprehension. It's not delusional or a "smile when your heart is breaking" mentality.

It's a day in, day out breakdown and build up of my sanctification. I'm not pretending to be okay. I am okay. I'm alright. I'm better than alright. I'm great actually.

I'm alive. I'm here. I'm enjoying the riches of God's grace and mercy.

 As I said in a text to a friend..."But I will say this...where I fail or life becomes a let down God is gracious ten fold. I see his graces and mercies in a very different and possibly more mature light. I think they're far more common and far more beautiful than we think...if that makes sense. In other words, God does show us grace in the huge things like saving us, protecting our lives, building us in sanctification, but he also shows us grace in "small" things like hugs, good food, an encouraging word, moments without rush or hurry..."


And this is how I truly am. Not just how I feel.