four things you can stop telling us single ladies

Hi! How are yah? I'm doing great...just haven't had a ton of time to blog (lie). I've been too tired to blog (lie) I just haven't felt like blogging a ton lately...not inspired or maybe too inspired to write and all I have as my final recourse is to watch TV mindlessly.

Anyway, this is a post I've been dying to write for basically a long time but I've sort of held back for two reasons...first...I don't want to sound bitter or passive aggressive. LIKE THE FEELINGS OF ANGER I AM STRUGGLING WITH TOWARD A CERTAIN LAPTOP THAT KEEPS FREEZING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TYPING.



Second, putting all these points in the negative is going to sound like I'm complaining and I really don't want to be THAT single person. THAT person who says "Please don't treat me any differently just because I'm single. I'm totally cool with this period of my life." Then literally two seconds later: "OMGSH...Why can't you understand??? I am single and that justifies every depressing and completely unhelpful thing that comes out of my mouth."

But these are just four of the many phrases that come out of the most well-meaning and well-spoken mouths:

1. "You're not seeing anyone? How is that possible? You're so _________ (cute, funny, pretty etc.)"

Yes. Thank you for all those lovely compliments. I don't always feel so "fill-in-the-blank" so it's pretty awesome that you said something out loud to me that made me feel great. That pretty much makes my day 100 million times.

But I would like to ask you what my personality or appearance has to do with my relationship status. This may sound ridiculous but what if we turned that phrase around to say "WHAT??? You're in a relationship??? But you're so _____________ (ugly, boring, fat)"

Now that's pretty harsh...right? And I know that's not the intention behind the compliment. I know the logic is "Guys like pretty/funny/cute girls and this is a girl who meets one of these criteria but she's oddly not being obviously liked by a guy. This is a strange paradox that I must express out loud in an attempt to make my single friend feel that she is affirmed in case she has wondered the same thing."

But really all you're saying is that God's timing isn't really fitting into your (superior?) human logic.

And this may tempt your single friend to feel the same way, that maybe God didn't realize that he/she isn't supposed to be single at this time in life.

Additionally, this compliment is flawed because it fails to recognize other possible reasons that person can't find a mate. For example, he may be hilarious at dinner parties but terribly sarcastic and hard to be around for long periods of time. Or that, yes, she has great hair, but her ability to sympathize with those who are hurting is non-existent. (Disclaimer: these are only examples...no one can really say YOU ARE SINGLE BECAUSE YOU DON'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH... no one but God knows the reason [but that's actually kinda gross to not brush your teeth so take care of your periodontal health ])

2. [Plural Opposite Sex] are such idiots.

I don't know if guys say this about girls. But I KNOW girls say this about guys and I've heard it just as much from the hitched gals as much as the single ladiez. And you know what...let me just rant a little bit about all the Christian Girl Wrath that is getting poured out on our brethren....

Okay, first off...Guys have it hard. Girls have the honor and privilege of waiting. Guys have to fight. Guys have to do something to get a mate. Guys have to listen to us girls talk about paint colors and their many dessert- themed variations

Secondly, guys will always be the ones with more responsibility. More responsibility = more chances to mess up = more chances for us to be merciful and forgiving. 

Some guys really may be dimmer than Edison's first 99 light bulbs, but let's not do that thing where we lump everyone together in one package.

Most guys are somewhere in-between and some guys are just awesome. Same with girls, guys. Some of us are like super ultra ditzy. But most of us fall somewhere between awesome-ness-ville and a-little-awesome-r-ville (hehe I made those up)

Also, if you're saying that someone not liking you OR your single friend qualifies them as a top-grade, all-out moron...you've got a seriously warped pride thing going on.

3. "I'm sorry you're single. The right person is out there."

 As a single person who has heard this sentiment I feel really uncomfortable responding to this well-meaning pity.

Should I say, "It's ok?" Or maybe I should agree even if I don't feel the same way? Or perhaps I should tell you I don't feel sad and neither should you?

I can understand if this sentiment comes after a deep-felt heart-to-heart about how hopelessly lonely I'm feeling (And if you as a single feel this way it's totally okay - I don't want to crush your soul even further by telling you you have to walk around with a phony smile on your face).

But I've heard it said even when I wasn't really feeling all that bad about it. Well strike that. Now that I know singleness must be apologized for, I feel pretty lousy about it.

I've had these words escape my lips before as well. And I know they weren't meant as anything more than a mental hug. But now that I've been on the receiving end of this phrase too many times to count, I can't say it's actually encouraged me to feel anything other than sorry for myself.

Maybe say something like..."Well, you're pretty awesome to me and I really love you." Yeah, something cheesy.

4. So...when are you thinking about getting married?

Somehow being in your mid-twenties and single became a cancerous disease in need of a cure called marriage. I have heard this phrase come out of someone's voice box and passed their lips. It has many variations, some more "subtle," than others.

If you have been the victim of this phrase or many others like it, please don't hesitate to call me so we can laugh and cry about this. Before I dissect this phrase...I hope we can all agree that this is equally as ridiculous as asking "When are you going to buy your second to last gallon of milk?"

First problem. This is typically said by someone who doesn't know me very well so the thought of divulging one of the most personal and deepest thoughts I contain isn't my first reaction.

Second problem. When am I NOT thinking about getting married? I don't know if I'm some weird mutant or something but I think about how great marriage would be like 110% of the time.

Third problem. I would just like to present this gif as a possible answer to the "When?" part of this question:

Yep. April 25th is when I'm going to start thinking about marriage or it's going to be my wedding day. However you'd like to understand this question, that's how you can understand this answer.

Fourth Problem. There's a term for this type of phrase...in Rhetorical Criticism we call it either an erotema or a leading question...it's a question that either answers itself or has an obvious ulterior motive. It's like asking "Have you decided to brush your teeth today?"

The obvious implication is that the speaker doesn't have much confidence in your dental hygiene.

The same goes with this question. I've often noticed it seems to come with a certain amount of concern that I'm not really thinking about marriage or that I'm not into the idea of marriage.


Fifth problem. Trusting God isn't about getting out of the parts in life you don't like and it's certainly not trying to decide when you'll be over whatever trial you're going through.

You know how when bad stuff is happening and you want to get out of it but then Brotha James is all, "Nah son! Consider this trial all joy, man! 'Cause God made this for you because He totally loves you, man." (I'm so terribly sorry for how awful my slang Brotha James impression is...get back to me some indefinite time in the future and I'll have something funnier not as lame - that was supposed to be some relatable version of James 1)

Asking "when" about the indefinite is one sure-fire way to build unnecessary doubt. So don't ask when...of your own life or other people's.

Just trust that if God is still God, He's most definitely doing something amazing with both of our lives.

Oh and if you feel you must know something about your single friend's life, instead ask what his or her life goals are...or what adventures they would like to go on...I'm sure you would get some pretty amazing answers.