why you don't ever, ever contact [big company]

I recently had the immense privilege of having to contact [big online company]. If you've ever attempted to contact a gigantic company...you'll know my frustration. If you are able to get to talk to anyone, anyone at all, it's usually a recent college grad named Phil who says in an overly enthusiastic tone : "Thank you for being a valuable member of [big company] team! We love that you called and totally hope you feel affirmed and loved and appreciated and....etc.etc.etc."



I don't remember signing up to be a part of this so-called "team." Why are you treating me like I'm your oldest friend? Lay off the Prozac, Sunshine Sam.

Anyway. I'm used to that.

What I was totally unprepared for is the email exchange with [big company] head quarters. You see this company is cool. Way too cool for old fashioned devices that let you talk to actual real humans.

Nooo...you have to send in an error report by email. So here's how my first email went (All names and some stuff changed or removed for length cause I'm mean but I'm not that mean):


 

Hi _____,

We are having some site issues with [Big Company] ....

Essentially the problem is there is a glitch on the "Change Password" page on [Big Company] for Business owners. I believe this is just an issue with the code on that particular page....

Thanks,

Katie

info@companyIworkfor.com

(A few more exchanges go back and forth where I explain that I can't change my password because all the boxes are jumbled around on the page. Despite the layout issue I solve part of the problem on my own without [Big Company]'s help but I get no response and the issue remains. I figure I probably will never hear from [Big Company] but then I get this email a week later.)

Reply:

Hi there,

Thanks for contacting [Big Company].

Since writing in, it appears as though you've had success accessing your Business Owners Account. Please let me know if you have any additional questions.

Thanks for using [Big Company].

Regards,

[Bob]

[Big Company] User Support

WHATTTT???


So here's what I write back:

Hi [Bob],

Um you were told wrong.... I'm sending a screenshot that I just took this morning.

Yes, I have tried it on other browsers and yes the support staff at HQ tried to send me a URL that would directly link me to a page for changing the password. Nothing has worked so far...

Katie

info@companyIworkfor.com

Reply:

Hi Info,

Sorry you ran into trouble. It looks as though this may have been a one-time engineering bug. Thank you for providing the additional information. You can also send us the custom link generated at https://aboutmybrowser.com, which would help us determine if you're encountering a browser-specific issue.

Thanks for using [Big Company]!

Regards,

[Bob]

[Big Company] User Support

I can see this is still not going anywhere.

So I write back:

Hi [Bob],

I'm sorry. Can you explain to me how this is a one time engineering issue? It happens every single time I open that page.

Also, how would entering my browser information help?

I already told you it wasn't a browser issue. I opened the same page on Firefox, Chrome, and Explorer. And on a different computer.

No this is a [Big Company] problem and one that [Big Company] is not fixing.

Are you a robot? Are you even a human? It's like you didn't even read my email.

I'm laughing so I don't cry. Brooks, if that even is your real name...

Thanks...

Katie Bigelow ( My name is not INFO!!!!!)

info@companyIworkfor.com

It seemed my impassioned plea for help worked. I was sent an email with a link that finally did work and the following email:

 Hi Katie,

Thanks for taking the time to write again and for your patience as we work to resolve your issue. Additionally, apologies for not addressing the previous message to your name.

An issue like this is not one we take lightly. We are currently working toward troubleshooting and coming to a resolution and appreciate the additional info you've provided toward this goal....

Regards,

[Bob]

[Big Company] User Support

I was pretty proud of myself but I knew I had one last email to send out:

Thank you Brooks. I checked the link and it did work this time though the actual page is still messed up.

I'm still not sure if you're a human or a robot. but whatever you are....Thank you.

Sincerely,

Info

(Just kidding- my real name is #1928383... I'm also a robot)