Oh hey guys,
I really shouldn't feel so awkward about this post but I really, really do. Probably because I feel a sense of false guilt over the fact that I haven't actually written something on here in like...well...awhile.
But I've always had the philosophy that you should just write when your gut says "write like the wind!!!"
So here I am. Sipping a Pumpkin Latte and wondering how to get back to the original purpose for which I started this post. Oh yeah! Life changed. This is actually a really important testimony.
I'm not writing this to get a readership or as an arbitrary blog post resulting from late-night homework. If I can humbly ask that you actually read this, I know that it is a lot. I decided to break it up into a few (maybe two) posts. but please, I know we all struggle with finding our identity in Christ and I really hope that somehow, someway- you will take my words to heart.
I really don't know where this post finds you tonight. But I've been so anxious to have some free time in which to post this. So start reading here...
[psst- all that stuff above is meaningful too but if you want the short version just read after the line]
_________________________________________________
Well, as several of you imaginary readers know- I went to Israel for about 3 1/2 months. You can read my posts starting here. If that's what you want to do....
But just in brief, I was there studying the Bible and touring the land with 26 other college students. It was, to say the very least, awesome!
Well, during that time I learned a lot about myself. Mostly about my own sinfulness. I am very -and I mean VERY- sinful.
Guys, I just don't love like I should. I didn't love the people I was with and I especially couldn't love the Lord who gave himself up for me...which is really sad when you consider that fact that when we were the unlovable- Christ died for us!!!!
All that to say, that semester in Israel was so very good- and I can say that in all honesty- but not because I was necessarily having a good time. It was a good time because I was constantly being convicted by the Holy Spirit and seeing myself in a totally new light. It was not a good time because my performance was terrible.
But what happened AFTER Israel is even worse.
You see, I started noticing my bad attitude towards the others in my group and the laziness in my own walk about halfway into the semester. And I actually started having a pretty fun trip....that is....until I found out my summer plans were totally changed.
I was supposed to work in Southern California for the whole summer. I would spend a week - TOPS- in Connecticut and then fly out to Cali where I would be with my friends from school and enjoy having some cash in my bank account (oh yeah- I also totally went broke when I was in Israel).
About three or four weeks before this plan was supposed to come into fruition- I found out I would not get the job I had been promised. I was devastated. I had no money. I would have to live in Connecticut with my parents until the fall when I could return to school in SoCal.
And there is where the curtain closes on my Spring semester. Just when I thought I had learned how to trust God, in the sense that I had to place Him first above my desires, I started hating the way He was changing my plans on me.
Curtain reopens.
I'm sitting in my basement. Where I had moved after Israel- contemplating opening my Bible. I've been home for 3 weeks now. I was diligently searching for a job since almost the day I got back- but no bites.
I was angry. I was confused.
"Why God?" I thought I had learned my lesson. "Why can't I be out in California, working?"
In a childish revolt, I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped praying. I knew that these things would just lead me to conviction and I wasn't ready to be told my life was despicable and shameful. A good friend had tried to open me up to reading scriptures but it was of no use. I wanted out.
And for the first time since I got saved, I didn't beat myself up with guilt. I just felt. numb. I tried to ignore the pestering of my conscience but it was through the wedding of a good friend and a resulting friendship that my life would be forever changed.
More on that later though. Stay tuned.
