It honestly feels a little weird to be part of a church where the vast majority of women are stay-at-home moms. I'm thankful for their happy marriages and the excellent example they are to me. However, it's easy to feel a little less than a complete woman when either well-intentioned or culturally- influenced people say things that make marriage out to be the second heaven. Look, marriage is already attractive. Sometimes it's too attractive though and becomes a substitute for the pursuit of holiness and Christ-like living.
Here are just a few statements I've heard in my lifetime that I've found to either be unbiblical or completely unhelpful in my pursuit of godliness. They have been uttered by both married and single, young and old alike so I'm not attacking any one demographic.
1. "If you don't find him/her now, it will be harder to find someone in the future."
Why it's said:
I can sort of understand the thought behind this, especially when aimed at young men. It's sort of meant as a "move on with your life already" statement. I typically would hear this coming from someone older who really believes that youth is wasted on the young. My experience hearing this was from someone older who told me specifically that if I didn't find someone at the small Christian college I was attending I would have a difficult time finding someone to marry at all.Why this is wrong:
It's pretty easy to spot the problems with this statement besides the feeling of impatience and spirit of discontent that could arise from such an urgent message. Unless the person saying this has the gift of prophecy, where is this statement found in the Bible? God is still sovereign, even if you attend a tiny, itty-bitty church with 70 other members, if you are meant to get married, it will happen. I've seen it happen countless times.For example, one of my friends was very eager to get married and prayed earnestly for that special woman. He was, unfortunately, very limited; he lived in a small area with very few christian women. But God brought him someone special only a few years later he's celebrating a wedding anniversary and his child's first birthday.
I only give that example to show that life changes really, really fast. You don't need to be going on a ton of dates. It only takes one person besides yourself to be married. One person. So even if you aren't dating anyone or see any prospects right this minute, you shouldn't take that as a sign to give up hope.
2. "It might be a good idea to switch churches. This one doesn't have any singles."
Why it's said:
I've actually heard this statement come more so from singles rather than marrieds. Perhaps us single people could take a lesson from the marrieds and just chill out. I guess the idea is that church is the best place to find a godly guy/girl so why not go to a church where there are more singles?Why it's wrong:
I can't even state enough how important it is to focus more on serving the church than on serving your need for affection, accompaniment, or affirmation. The church is not a social group. The church is not a place to find people like you. The church is a body designed to function as a collective whole, a place of unity in Christ.
Yes, church is a great place to find godly singles, probably more so than any other place on earth. But it's not meant to be treated as a social club. It may sound harsh... but if your relationship status determines the level of commitment you have to the local church it will determine your commitment to Christ. They come hand in hand.
3. "You're single because________________."
Why it's said:
I've heard this said, a ton of times, by my peers. They might be single themselves and hoping for a reciprocal statement that affirms their own status. Statements that try to give a reason for our current situation are nice because they seem to give us answer to our problem. Now if you just apply the solution to the problem, PRESTO CHANGE-O!, singleness removed.Why it's wrong:
Well, before I delve into that whole minefield of error, let me give a personal example...When I was a teenager I was practicing on the piano when I suddenly started shaking. Over the course of the next week or so I started having episodes of shakiness. It got so bad that I could hardly sleep and my reflexes were shot. My parents, concerned I might be having some sort of serious issue, took me to the hospital where I was put under a battery of tests only to find that the doctors had no idea what was going on.
They told me that even though they didn't know what the shakiness was caused by it must have been stress-induced. I was given a drug that, even when I took half a pill, knocked me out for hours and hours. I was unable to think clearly and had very low energy. The effects of that drug were worse than the smaller problem of shakiness so I decided to discontinue the regimen and not long after the shakiness mysteriously went away.
I tell that story only to say that even though the doctors had no idea what was going on, they still gave me a prescription for a heavy narcotic. Giving advice that attempts to diagnose something as mysterious as God's sovereign plan will only create an attitude of discontent and pride. God's will is as wonderful as it is mysterious. Yes, the single man who is living in immorality should repent before he looks for a wife. The woman who dreams of finding a husband so much that her walk with the Lord is pushed aside will not experience true joy.
These things are true, but they aren't the cause of singlehood (as if being single is a punishment for sin). God is the cause of singleness. God is the cause of marriage.
If you aren't married it isn't because there's some piece of the puzzle lurking about, waiting to be put in place. It's because God has willed it, just like He willed the day of your birth.
The best advice for a single
The best advice for a single person is the best advice for a married person is the best advice for a divorced person is the best advice for the widowed person because it's one and the same:"You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect."-Matt. 5:48
Seek after holiness. Search out God's word. Yearn for more holiness.