It's like a virtual diner. I play it on Facebook. Yeah. I am one crazy son of a gun.
I was thinking about how I almost tripped over a folding chair in chapel in front of a bunch of guys yesterday and then I started thinking about all the other random embarrassing moments I've had in my lifetime, which are many, like the sands on the seashore.
AND because everyone loves hearing other people talk about themselves. I figured other people might feel better about their lives, knowing that someone else out there in the universe is pretty darn clumsy too.
Even though I'm really starting to hate the term awkward I decided to stick with the overly used expression "That awkward moment when..." as the start to each of my stories.
[I feel it necessary to say that I also deem that phrase almost totally annoying. It hasn't reached it's pinnacle of annoyingness yet because, once in a blue moon, someone on facebook is actually funny when they say it and I really don't want to discredit those cutie pies.]
1. THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN....you trespass your neighbor- across -the- street's front yard at 10pm to build a snowman.
Ok, so this story really wasn't my fault. It was my dog's. My stupid turkey, knucklehead, poo poo brain of a dog named Wheaties.
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| exhibit a |
It was around Christmas time and in Connecticut, about 78% of the time that means there's snow on the ground. (I promise- this background information is relevant)
Well, I took Wheaties out for his nightly doo doo break and for some reason, that I still don't remember, I decided to take him to the front yard. Leashless. (He's usually pretty good about staying put. usually)
All was fine and well, Wheaties had sucessfully yellowed- up some more freshly lain snow and I was ready to go into the warm house when all of a sudden: grrrrrrrr.
My dog isn't really a growler. Some dogs are pretty much growlers but my dog really isn't one.
Because of this, and because it was late at night, I started to get a little freaked out. Like, dog, what the heck? Is there a monster out in the trees? I started to picture a mini-chupacabra bounding over the snow and then I saw what he was growling at.
Across the street, in my neighbor's yard where three snowmen, one for each member of their family. I remembered watching the dad and two year old, Brian, roll the snowballs across the yard and giggle to themselves as they thought how wonderful and perfect the day had been. ( I made up the last part- it's more how I imagined it- like a Campbell's soup commercial)
Well, my dog decided that these snowmen were evil, satan spawn and must be destroyed like the scum -of- the -earth they were. I saw his ears go back and his back legs tense up and rear. He was going for the kill.
I remember yelling "NO WHEATIES- DON'T!!!!"
But before I could grab him, he bounded through the snow and took out the first snowman.
I think I stood in shock for a second from my yard while I watched the festive massacre. When I got to my senses like a half a second later, I ran across the road, whispering insults so as to not wake Brian or his parents.
I finally managed to grab Wheaties who had successfully slaughtered the baby snowman and had his eye set on the second parent.
I told him some things you should never tell a human. But I imagine since he's a dog it was ok.
After putting Wheaties inside, his face still riddled with confusion, "What came over me? Are the bad, cold, powdery humans gone?", I went back into the cold and across the street to repair my dog's damage.
I doubt the snowmen looked anything like what Brian and his dad had made only hours before. I don't think I ever had a chance to tell them what my dog did. They are probably still wondering to this day why all but one of the heads of the snowmen looked pygmy-ish.
If you guys ever read this blog. I'm sorry. I hope the new place you moved to the next year doesn't have such a doofus face of a dog living across the street.
2. THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN...you accidentally kiss one of your mom's friends on the lips.
This story is a lot shorter. I promise.
One day I was dropping off a meal my mom had made for some family friends of ours who go to our church. While I was there another woman, a good friend of my mom's, came by.
Since she is literally the sweetest woman on the planet and because she is a close friend of the family's I went to give her a kiss on the cheek. I really don't know what happened. The rest is sort of a blur. An awkward, smoochy blur.
I guess we both leaned to the same side to give each other a "cheek kiss" and wound up kissing instead. It was kind of a smack-er-roo too.
We both apologized but there were witnesses (remember I was at another friend's house). So we couldn't say it never happened. And even though it was embarrassing, I actually don't cringe so bad with that one.
3. THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN...you try to be chivalrous and it fails.
And to the guy who did this. I think you are the sweetest human being alive and I harbor no ill-will against you. I just think this story is too funny and awk to not be told.
So the story goes like this...
I was walking into my US Government class and the guy directly in front of me walked through the door as it was closing.
Like the knight shining armor that I know he must be, he attempted to kick the door open a little wider to provide me ample room to get in the classroom without being hit by the door. so far, so good.
What he did not account for was the fact that I was almost directly behind him and when he kicked the door open, it somehow hit me somewhere in the realm of my knee and face and like, basically my whole body.
You get the picture.
Well, he felt really super bad and began to say, "I'm so sorry, see I was trying to kick the door like this" and gave another hearty kick backwards.
Well, once again. I was directly behind him.
Needless to say, he accidentally kicked me again. This time in the shin.
And two things happened in that moment (besides trying to hold back waves and waves of laughter):
He said sorry again, red-faced and unable to really say anything else, and quickly rushed off.
I, on the other hand, knew this was going to be the story I would one day tell my grandchildren.
4. THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN...you're too tall for your Spanish teacher to get you out of the trouble you got yourself into.
This is a story that requires a bit of explanation. As you can tell from the title, which is super wordy and hard to understand, it has to do with my Spanish teacher and my height. But really, I should start the story with a chair.
Yeah- it was one of those types of chairs, like a director's chair.
I was sitting in one of those types of chairs while I was getting my Spanish lesson at my Spanish teacher's house. Since I was tutored in Spanish I didn't go to class, I just took lessons from this family friend. She was, and still is, one of the most wonderful people I know, a petite, classy Dominican woman.
In the middle of my lesson, I started running my fingers along the outside edge of the chair just underneath the spot where the black piece of fabric attaches to the rest of the chair. I noticed that there were these little snaps- all in a row.
When you are in the middle of a Spanish lesson, snaps on a chair make for quite the addictive experience. I kept snapping and unsnapping one snap at a time.
Next I started leaving two unsnapped and then snapping the two back together again. oooohhhhoohoo
I started consciously leaving more and more unsnapped and then going back again and snapping them. It was so satisfying. And then I thought of the most satisfying experience of ALL TIME: Unsnapping all but one snap and snapping them all back again- in a row.
Nothing could stop me. I was the invincible snapping queen.
Nothing that is, except for the chair itself.
I began unsnapping the first snap, click. Then the next few, click, click, click. I must have reached about halfway to the back of the chair when
PHWOOSH!
All the snaps undid, the fabric fell off and down I went.
The frame of the chair stayed intact as my posterior end went down so, if you can imagine this, I had fallen through the chair and was now in a horribly uncomfortable position, my knees in my face, legs sticking straight up.
By now my Spanish teacher, who had had her back to me, turned around.
"OOOH MY!!!"
She tried to help me out- first by holding my hand and pulling. But it was of no use. I was stuck- my head, arms, legs sticking out of one end of the chair, my other end sticking out near the legs.
Her size and my size were too very incompatible for accomplishing this task. I was way too big to be in the center of this chair skeleton and she was far too small to help me get out.
After about five minutes, which seems life five years in that unnatural position, of trying to get out with the chair still upright. I decided there was only one thing to do.
Knock the chair over, me with it, and try to nudge out myself.
I took a deep breath and began rocking back and forth. I think my Spanish teacher understood what I was trying to do and heroically tried to catch the chair before I crashed to the floor.
It was still a pretty painful fall and started to get even worse as I slowly nudged my way out.
I finally popped out, as if the chair had just given birth to a tall, bruised and shaken baby.
My Spanish teacher was also visibly worried and apologized for her chair. It had apparently never done that before.
Yeah.
Bad chair.